Thursday, October 22, 2009

I'm Waking Up

My mornings here at college have fallen into a routine that I am comfortable with:

7:25 Hit Snooze

7:30 Hit Snooze

7:35 Climb out of bed

7:45: Leave for class in what I fell asleep in

8:05 Arrive late for class

9:00 Head to the UC to eat breakfast.. alone usually

9:15 Begin the long journey back to my dorm for some last few minutes of sleep or to finish up some homework or to go to work

Life is a blur until I actually wake up around noon

Today, I sat with a few of my friends for lunch at about 11:45. I wasn't too hungry and still wasn't FULLY awake so I decided to get some coffee to wake me up a little.

As I'm sipping and my friends are eating and small chatter is being made amongst us, I'm looking at the tables that surround us, full of strangers and familiar faces. All of them my peers. All of them with the same goal as me: an education. I'm thinking about these people in a way that I do not often catch myself thinking, but am still aware that I do constantly.

"She is too tan." "He has funny hair." "She's in that one sorority, she must be really mean." "That guy over there is sitting alone, he must not have any friends"

As I become more aware of the thoughts I am thinking and realize how much I judge these people that I don't even know. I pray to God that He will help me control my negative thoughts of people. I know that this negative part of me can disappear with His help. I want to think of every one as people. Not the girl with the orange skin or the boy with the nasty hair. I want to think of them as people with hearts and minds like mine. I want to be able to love anyone.

Thank you, Carmel Macchiato, for waking me up and opening my eyes.

Thursday, October 1, 2009


I can't believe that I'm half way through my first semester. I'm really enjoying Chattanooga, but I can't help but think that there may be somewhere better out there for me.
Somewhere bigger.
and better.
and brighter.
Somewhere that I can really call home. Somewhere where people actually know my name and love me, for me. Somewhere where I can't be bothered by silly people with silly wants and wishes. Somewhere where I can breathe and think for myself and get to know who I am really am.

This is my dream: To be accepted in a place where I can live freely.
It's simple. It's not creative. And yet, everywhere I go and everyone I meet, nowhere seems like home, no one a true friend.

I'm trapped in this bubble where the whole world is busy around me with excitement and joy and feelings I am only familiar with during short periods of time. The whole world seems to know what they want and where they are going. And I am just bouncing around in my little bubble. Nothing coming in. Nothing going out. Just wandering and waiting for where I'm suppose to go next.

Atleast I've still got him...