Saturday, November 28, 2009

Someone, Help Me.

So. Something is terribly wrong with me.

I've only got two good friends: one is in Oregon and one is leaving for Chicago in 8 months.
My parents don't understand on how I feel and have "given up" on trying.
I'm growing up in a world where all I have to look forward to is a failing economy.
The only career I could ever want is unreliable and unstable, especially for the kind of family I dream of having.
My faith in everything is slowly dying.
The only lesson I've ever learned from experience and take to heart is: "Don't stand in the middle of train tracks when no one is watching out for a train."

So my problem? Well, I'm a teenager.

I've got big dreams and wonderful plans for my life yet I can't seem to buckle down and get to work. I want to live with no regrets and I have so many.

When my mother asks me what's wrong with me I can list off several things. "My roommates don't understand that, yes, hair falls out of your head when you shower, but it isn't suppose to stay there to form some sort of carpet in your bath tub." "My boyfriend, and only good friend within a 300 mile radius is leaving me for three years." "My teachers are terrible." "My friends are treating me like a doormat." "I don't want to come home because I don't feel appreciated." "I don't feel appreciated because no one understands me." "No one understands me because I don't know how to explain how I feel." "I don't know how to explain how I feel because I don't know how I feel."

Why don't I know how I feel? Feelings come from inside you. They make up who I am as a person. How can I not possibly know how I feel?! I may not know how I feel, but I know one thing. I know that I don't respect myself enough to even carre how I feel.

Nothing seems to turn out right for me. No matter how nice I am to people I either get walked all over or stabbed in the back. How can I trust and respect someone when I get none in return? How can I trust and respect MYSELF when I don't even know who I am?

If I know anything about myself I know these things:
- I have a kind heart with good intentions.
- I appreciate everything that has been given to me even if I don't know how to show it.
- I am really REALLY good at lying to myself.
- When I lie to myself, eventually, I break down.

Nothing shall become of this that I am writing. No one will read it. No one will understand it. And no one will appreciate it. Because no one knows who I am. I don't even know who I am.

I just want to know who I am and where I am going and what I need to do to get there.

Someone, teach me how to love myself.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I'm Waking Up

My mornings here at college have fallen into a routine that I am comfortable with:

7:25 Hit Snooze

7:30 Hit Snooze

7:35 Climb out of bed

7:45: Leave for class in what I fell asleep in

8:05 Arrive late for class

9:00 Head to the UC to eat breakfast.. alone usually

9:15 Begin the long journey back to my dorm for some last few minutes of sleep or to finish up some homework or to go to work

Life is a blur until I actually wake up around noon

Today, I sat with a few of my friends for lunch at about 11:45. I wasn't too hungry and still wasn't FULLY awake so I decided to get some coffee to wake me up a little.

As I'm sipping and my friends are eating and small chatter is being made amongst us, I'm looking at the tables that surround us, full of strangers and familiar faces. All of them my peers. All of them with the same goal as me: an education. I'm thinking about these people in a way that I do not often catch myself thinking, but am still aware that I do constantly.

"She is too tan." "He has funny hair." "She's in that one sorority, she must be really mean." "That guy over there is sitting alone, he must not have any friends"

As I become more aware of the thoughts I am thinking and realize how much I judge these people that I don't even know. I pray to God that He will help me control my negative thoughts of people. I know that this negative part of me can disappear with His help. I want to think of every one as people. Not the girl with the orange skin or the boy with the nasty hair. I want to think of them as people with hearts and minds like mine. I want to be able to love anyone.

Thank you, Carmel Macchiato, for waking me up and opening my eyes.

Thursday, October 1, 2009


I can't believe that I'm half way through my first semester. I'm really enjoying Chattanooga, but I can't help but think that there may be somewhere better out there for me.
Somewhere bigger.
and better.
and brighter.
Somewhere that I can really call home. Somewhere where people actually know my name and love me, for me. Somewhere where I can't be bothered by silly people with silly wants and wishes. Somewhere where I can breathe and think for myself and get to know who I am really am.

This is my dream: To be accepted in a place where I can live freely.
It's simple. It's not creative. And yet, everywhere I go and everyone I meet, nowhere seems like home, no one a true friend.

I'm trapped in this bubble where the whole world is busy around me with excitement and joy and feelings I am only familiar with during short periods of time. The whole world seems to know what they want and where they are going. And I am just bouncing around in my little bubble. Nothing coming in. Nothing going out. Just wandering and waiting for where I'm suppose to go next.

Atleast I've still got him...

Friday, September 25, 2009

In The Beginning

So here I am.
Sitting in my dorm.
I've been here for a month and I can already call Chattanooga home. The only thing I'm missing is the love of my life.
He's an hour and a half away. It may not seem like a long distance, but I know that next year he'll be 9 hours and 33 minutes away. Thats over 605 miles. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, as I now am fully aware is true, but I can barely spend a week with out him now.
How am I to function next year when he seems so far away now?
What will I do when I can't see him every other weekend?
Months apart? It seems nearly impossible to do.
But, our love is stronger than any other love I know. He is the most important thing in my life right now and I will do anything it takes to keep him happy.

I am in love.

I love college, but I want him here with me.
On top of all this worrying, now I have to decide how to tell my mom and dad that I'm changing my major from physical therapy to theatre. Hope this goes over well. :/

Best Wishes