Saturday, November 28, 2009

Someone, Help Me.

So. Something is terribly wrong with me.

I've only got two good friends: one is in Oregon and one is leaving for Chicago in 8 months.
My parents don't understand on how I feel and have "given up" on trying.
I'm growing up in a world where all I have to look forward to is a failing economy.
The only career I could ever want is unreliable and unstable, especially for the kind of family I dream of having.
My faith in everything is slowly dying.
The only lesson I've ever learned from experience and take to heart is: "Don't stand in the middle of train tracks when no one is watching out for a train."

So my problem? Well, I'm a teenager.

I've got big dreams and wonderful plans for my life yet I can't seem to buckle down and get to work. I want to live with no regrets and I have so many.

When my mother asks me what's wrong with me I can list off several things. "My roommates don't understand that, yes, hair falls out of your head when you shower, but it isn't suppose to stay there to form some sort of carpet in your bath tub." "My boyfriend, and only good friend within a 300 mile radius is leaving me for three years." "My teachers are terrible." "My friends are treating me like a doormat." "I don't want to come home because I don't feel appreciated." "I don't feel appreciated because no one understands me." "No one understands me because I don't know how to explain how I feel." "I don't know how to explain how I feel because I don't know how I feel."

Why don't I know how I feel? Feelings come from inside you. They make up who I am as a person. How can I not possibly know how I feel?! I may not know how I feel, but I know one thing. I know that I don't respect myself enough to even carre how I feel.

Nothing seems to turn out right for me. No matter how nice I am to people I either get walked all over or stabbed in the back. How can I trust and respect someone when I get none in return? How can I trust and respect MYSELF when I don't even know who I am?

If I know anything about myself I know these things:
- I have a kind heart with good intentions.
- I appreciate everything that has been given to me even if I don't know how to show it.
- I am really REALLY good at lying to myself.
- When I lie to myself, eventually, I break down.

Nothing shall become of this that I am writing. No one will read it. No one will understand it. And no one will appreciate it. Because no one knows who I am. I don't even know who I am.

I just want to know who I am and where I am going and what I need to do to get there.

Someone, teach me how to love myself.

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